comedian

salaamu alaikum

so yesterday after coming back from the district court and receiving my penalty/fine/wutever, i went through a depression that lasted a few hours while i slept, went to school for class, but decided not to go and just sat on the computer for 2 hours bored as crap in K building. alhamdulillah tho, iftar time rolled thru, i came back to the masjid and played playground football with the hafidh school kids, and realizing that i hadn't reviewed for the day, ate iftar, took a shower, and crammed in the juz at the last second. then after taraweeh, i went to the gym and lost in a game of basketball (now wait and calm down, because obviously, ShakirSahab doesn't lose games of basketball, so one must understand the underlying notions that ShakirSahab actually let whoever he was playing win, and then everything fits in place again.)

but anyways, now that im not as blown as before, ill relate how it went. first of all, i should be a comedian, because i had the entire court room laughing (with me >_>) and im pretty sure i made the judge's - who was a pretty ok lady (dont wanna say "nice" cuz she did give me that point at the end) - day. im serious, she shoulda dropped the thing just for being funny.

so i go up and start talking. i had written something down the night before, but when i went up there, any coherency i had on paper was lost.

i was like look, i know i shouldn't have been speeding, but i was on 29, and it was completely empty, im driving my dad's car, and i was late for a class, so i didn't notice how fast i was going. she asks me:

* * *

you have a class at 9:00PM?

yea, and class at my local community center.

at 9:00??? what kind of class is this?

an arabic class.

oh really? when does it end though?

around 11.

oh ok (satisfied)

* * *

so then im like, see the thing is I NEVER SPEED, i just get caught at the worst times. everybody starts laughing. so does the judge. im thinking 'good'. so then im like LOOK, i KNOW that 29 is the LAST place i wanna speed, cuz thats where the cops camp out, i KNOW THAT, so i dont even think bout going over the speed limit on that highway, especially when its empty, its just that that day, i was late for a class and i was just trying to make it on time.

meanwhile theyre all having a pretty good laugh, and shes like, "oh so you never speed but you get caught at the worst times?" im like yea. at this point im thinking, man i gotta use everything i got. so i pull the "i was going with the flow of traffic" card, and everybody is laughing at my great excuses. im like whatever, no use stopping now. so then i tell her how my 18 months are gonna be over in 2 months, and she just simply says, "not any more". i was like barrrrrrrrrr. bastard lady.

so as a final resort, before she can issue a sentencing i pick up the citation and im like, YO, (i actually did say YO in the court room by accident while i was explaining how i never speed and am such a good driver) my name is MISSPELLED on the citation, so TECHNICALLY, i dont even know who this guy is!!!

shes like, oh really, how do you spell ur name. i tell her, she writes it down somewhere, and says, they got ur last name right right? "yes". its all good then.

then she asks bout my previous ticket, and im like i got none. and shes like yea you do. and i go i was not guilty for that. and shes like yea you were. i go no i wasnt. and she goes did you pay a fine? i say yes. and she says that if you paid, then you were found guilty, but were on probation.

and then she says so youre on your provisionals? yes.

you're under 18????? yes.

so you know your parents were supposed to be notified about this? yes.

do they know? yea.

where are they? uhh, at home?

so they know about the ticket? yeaa (wth does she want?)

what did they say? to come here

(audience laughs)

SMH, what the hell do my parents have to do with anything. anyways, that was it. in the end, she said shed bring the speed down to 64 and that makes it one point, and that i should be careful. i stepped away from the podium thing and half expected applause and was thinking about bowing, but i decided not to...

instead i walked into the middle of the room and yelled, "[bleep] THE POLICE NIGGGAAAA!!@!!!" then stole their donuts and ran away.

EDIT: i just posted this on islamica, lets see if i get rep points.....