oh so close...

salaamu alaikum

i think there was a topic on islamica about where you see yourself in 10 years. i dunno, but my initial response was: prolly be dead. i dunno, is it just me, or does anybody else get the feeling that theyre gonna die real young? i do. the other day i was so tired when i was driving, i almost got into a nasty car accident, but alhamdulillah Allah saved me, and my car. but after that i was thinking, you know, that coulda been IT. and i wudda died in Ramadan. how many close calls have i had? im thinking about it, and im like, every day, im dodging bullets. we all are. its so easy to die.

i was planning on going for Hajj this year, thinking hey, if i have the money, let me do it, fulfill my obligation, and be ready to "die". but now im not going, cuz i asked the shaykh about students who wanted to go to hajj (in the aalim program) and he was like nah, theyll miss too much. ALTHOUGH, now that i think about it, since i HAVE already somewhat studied Nahw and Sarf (sure its garbage but hey i did take the course) i might be allowed to kinda miss a lil bit since im "ahead" right? at least this first year. im starting late anyways tho. its starting after ramadan, and im not gonna come in until my semesters over. i dunno.

im gonna start rambling now.

past few weeks ive been thinkin bout this stuff a lot, dunno why tho. but the whole notion of living this life as a traveler seems so hard in todays society, where you're grounded to this dunya by so many things. all these shiny things we have, fancy homes and clothes and cars, just tie us down. it seems almost impossible to truly "live this life as a traveler".

but im beginning to think, sure its got to do with material things, but also nonmaterial things, like attitudes. sometimes we take things so seriously. little dents in our egoes or emotions, and we get hurt so bad. is it really gonna kill us? even if it does, it doesn't matter, we're just travelers. people get caught up in dramas to such an extent that it affects their health and its all they think or talk about. dude you're a traveler.

now that might sound like im holding an opinion that you shouldnt get attached to people in this life, and that feelings dont matter because in the end, everybodys gonna hurt you and you will only be truly happy in the afterlife, inshaAllah. the latter part may be true, but i dont doubt things like sincerity, brother/sisterhood (such a powerful thing), piety, being TRUE and REAL and all that good green stuff. im tellin you, that stuff is real. its not imaginary. and just because we one day come into contact with the "real world" where things are ugly and gritty, we forget all these things and say "i have never experienced any good."

middle path.

sure we're all gonna die. the Prophet SAW knew that better than anyone, and yet the amount of love and genuine compassion he showed towards mankind in general was nothing short of amazing. why spend hours upon hours of qiyam at night time until his heels would bleed, begging Allah to help and save this Ummah - THIS UMMAH, that means every single one of us, you and I - why would anybody do that if "lifes a [bleep] and then you die"?

...[more if it comes to me]